Twisted With Regrets

Why did I wait to write down my thoughts on regrets?  I was thinking how twisted my thoughts on regrets might appear.

Why not just write them down?  Fear?  Of what?  Back lash, and then some.

First, I always felt I should never dwell on regrets because, I can’t change them.  They are a product of anywhere from a moment ago to long ago.  The past.

I can never go back, and I can never change them.  Why dwell on them?

I received an email today, and followed up on it because it was about regrets, and related to what I’ve always been thinking but, never laid out my thoughts in print.

To me, regrets are extreme negative thoughts.  What good does negative thinking do, anyway?  

If only…..Oh sure, I’ve had a few of those but, I don’t live there.  Admittedly, I may visit once in awhile.  The question; How do I leave?  How do I leave before becoming a victim, and bathing myself in a figurative drunken stupor?  

Fortunately I am not literally a drinker.  Not even a little bit.

Snap my fingers once, slap myself silly with positive thoughts, and be done with it!

In the real world, I’m here right now, in this moment only.  This is where that email I mentioned earlier becomes relevant.

What is the antidote to negative thoughts?  What’s made me feel better about all the negatives crowding my mind even if only for a moment, right now.

It is not forced positive thought on those past decisions because no matter how many  positive thoughts I want to throw out there those mere thoughts dissipate.  Where do I end up?  Right back in the reality of my crappy decisions of the past.  The reality is obvious.  The end result; More negativity.

So I have thought about it more often.  What makes me feel good?  What makes it better?

 I use this as a meditation mantra.  It stays with me.  Gratitude for this moment, and the future.  What am I thankful for in the present?  One thing.  Anything!

There are people, and things to be grateful for, today.  That is really it.  I have shifted from the negative because, I’m grateful right now.  

I did have some toxic relationships in the past, and some good ones as well.  Decisions made, and I’ve been accepted by the same woman for 40 years.  We got married in 1976. We’ve got a good relationship right now!

The anxiety I used to have over money is beyond description.  I was crazed. 

My wife went to the store but, before she left I was at the computer screen.  ‘I’m leaving.’  I would put the skids to her departure, every time.  ‘No wait!’  …and I’d continue to bring up our bank account just to verify my worst thoughts.  ‘I have to pay this bill, that bill, and another so wait until I bring up the bank balance, and do some calculating.’

Her return home must have been a moment of love between us.  ‘How much did you spend?’  ‘Let me re-calculate, and see if we get to keep the electricity on.’  All the negative thought, and anxiety wrapped in one crazed worry wart.

Yes, there are times the proceeds from Social Security, and part-time employment show  pretty much the status-quo amount of income.

What am I so thankful for?  Her safe return home.  We are eating okay.  And you know what?  I’m grateful utilities are always up, and running.  I’m glad we can manage health care alright, and we have high speed cable in the house.

We have some investments as well.  Nothing extensive but, they are there.

Today she leaves the house to spend money for whatever reason, I’m not so compelled to thwart her departure until I’ve done my financial homework.  I’m grateful for her existence, and she sees to it this family is well fed.

Life’s pretty good, and I really don’t have to know what she spent at the store as a condition of her return home.

The email?   Well, I started to read it, and just as it started, there was a link to the full text. I’ll let you read it.

If they could say it, why couldn’t I?  Who wrote the email?  You’ll find out by clicking the link above.

To think, I was fearful of how it might be received by, others.  Others more educated than I see the antidote for negativity as Gratitude, and not necessarily positive thought.  

With gratitude, positive thought is the authentic end result, not just an exercise.  It is the positive that permeates the soul.

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